Re-program my run

I find it funny that some birthdays are harder then others to deal with.  I was okay with 30, but not 31...I was okay with 35 but today I find 36 to be hard.  Not sure why, but I do.  Part of it may be that there are goals I set that I guess I thought by now I would have done.  The one that keeps coming to mind is my elusive 5K.

My husband asked me the other night why I didn't think I could go out and run one.  Well, because...and then I started to stammer, and then I started to rattle off excuses...I haven't trained, my running shoes are old, I suck.  :)  My friends are all starting to get into the 5K hype, and I have always wanted to run one...but something always comes up.  Maybe it's a underlying fear of something happening.  The first time I was really trying to train was the best surprise ever...I got preggers with mini me.  The next time I ended up under the knife and having my foot go partially bionic though....not a good surprise at all.

I also know though that part of it is my insane jealousy and competitive nature.  I love running, and have no problem just going out and running for the sheer pleasure of it...but when I hear the word race my head goes straight to time an I feel as though I need to conquer the first time out a certain time.  Maybe because I was a sprinter in track as a kid...I don't know.  The hubs, awesome man that he is, can kick my butt on both pace and time when we run...and this makes me crazy.  I KNOW we don't have to do things at the same pace...but seriously (no, I mean for real, seriously) I am INSANELY competitive. 

How can I re-program my thought process on running when it comes to races?? 

Forever friends



the beautiful Suzanne as one of my fab bridesmaids

There are a handful of people I can think of, literally I can count them on one hand, that I know no matter how much time or distance is between us they will always be there for me.  No judgment, no questions, just love and support.  I had no idea when I took a summer theatre gig 14 years ago, that I would meet someone who would change my life so much, my dear friend Suzanne.

When I first met Suzanne, we were both young, arrogant, chain smoking drinkers who were loud and loved to party!  We could stay up and out for hours and still roll out of bed the next day ready to function (some of us HOURS before the other <wink>), we laughed, we cried...it was like I found a part of my being that had been missing.  She is part of my heart and I love her dearly.  We have gone through relationships, children, self discovery, great jobs, unemployment...it has truly been a roller coaster of a friendship but NEVER have I questioned it.  Truth be told, Suzanne is the one friend I have never had a major fight with, never!  We may have been on opposite sides of the fence on issues...but never a knock down drag out fight.

I have been looking back over the past many years and realized how far we have come together and separately.  I am so proud of the woman she has become.  I am overjoyed that she is regaining confidence, and just love her dearly.  Suzanne has always been so strong.  I have had many times were I wished I could be more like her.  To be unafraid of change, to be adventurous, to have the unbelievably flawless skin and natural beauty that she has, to be well, just more Suzannelike :)

Over the past year she has been working hard.  She has been challenging herself, both her mind and body and has had amazing results....just 2 short weeks ago she crossed the 100 pound threshold.  She has lost over 100 pounds and I am SO proud of her.  I asked her to share some of her journey with you, my readers...I hope she inspires you a fraction of how much she has inspired me.

I do not remember a time in my life where I wasn’t overweight.  As a child you begin pretty early on identifying what it is about you that is different from the other kids, even though you’re mostly powerless to change.  At that age accepting who you are when you aren’t like the other kids is nearly impossible—fitting in is all that matters.  I remember all-too painfully one of the nasty girls in my 4^th or 5^th grade class (who some 20-years later “friend” requested me on Facebook) telling me that we didn’t win a basketball game because I was too big for any of the shorts the school provided.  Being different was never easy.

But somewhere around 6^th or 7^th grade I experienced a miracle of sorts.  I began to see past my weight and find my confidence.  I discovered a love of music, theatre, and performing that transformed the way I saw myself, which, in turn, made being overweight only a small part of who I was, and a part I could accept more easily. 

My new-found confidence developed and stayed with me for many years, all the way through my 20s.  I had a career that fulfilled me (even if I’d never be rich), travelled all over, made many friends, and was, for the most part, pretty secure with who I was.  I was still overweight, but when I walked into a room my confidence was what people saw, not my size.  And if it wasn’t I just didn’t care.  I thought I was beautiful.

The reversal of my confidence and self esteem came at the end of my 20s, when a succession of painful relationships ended, I lost my job, and I began caring for my ailing grandmother.  My career, which had always been a major part of my identity, was put on the back burner for nearly two years, and I slowly began to lose what it had taken me over 15 years to build.  I cried all the time, lost more friends than I can count, and began to see myself as utterly deplorable.  After a year of caring for my grandmother I had gained 100lbs.  I could no longer walk long distances without horrible pain in my feet, I went out of my way to avoid stairs, and I stopped wanting to go anywhere because I was so embarrassed.  Food became both the reason for my misery and the only thing that made me feel better.  It was an absolute nightmare.

In October of 2011 I finally broke through the pain and got off my ass.  I was hired to work the 2012 Sundance Film Festival, something I had always wanted to do, and I was determined to use that opportunity to turn my life around.  The week before I left for Utah I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  I am not exaggerating when I say it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.  Committing, truly committing, to do something that hard physically, mentally, and emotionally, is incredibly scary, but I knew I would die if I didn’t change.

People will always tell you how hard losing weight is, and it is, but not for the reasons you might think.  Adjusting to new eating habits is difficult, to be sure, but what I found (and still find) to be the most gut-wrenching part of this whole experience is that constantly, from morning to night, I focus on what I eat, what I look like, and what it all says about who I am.  Some of this is good.  I am a far healthier person that I ever thought I would be, and care very much about what I am putting into my body.  But I also care more about what other people think when they see me.  I beat myself up if I have a bad day.  I’ve lost over 100lbs and still struggle with regaining a fraction of the confidence I had when I ate whatever I wanted.  Going from being someone who thought she was beautiful regardless of size to someone who thinks about size nonstop is exhausting.  I wonder if I’ve betrayed who I was all the time, even though I know that what I am doing is incredibly important.  I know I’m on the right track, but figuring it all out is incredibly difficult, which is one of the reasons I am happy I’ve decided to do this the hard way instead of through surgery.  I need this time to work it all out on the inside, too.

Losing weight isn’t just about eating less and working out more.  It’s about finding your inner strength, confidence, and love.  I miss deeply the relationship I had with myself before, and continue daily to search for a middle ground.  I still have a long way to go, and sadly my genetics likely mean that this will be a lifelong struggle for me.  But I can’t deny that it feels wonderful to be 33 and in the best shape of my life.  Once I found what worked for me (spin) working out became a joy.  I love finding new recipes for healthy food, but I still allow myself pizza or french fries once a week.  My life isn’t perfect now, and I still have a lot of self-doubt, but I am on this journey to rediscover who I am, and to once again know that I am beautiful inside and out.  And I know I can do it.  I’ve come this far, right?

 

love you Suz and am so proud of you!

Never Forget

Today is a day that I always stop and take stock.  It's a day that I will make sure my children always remember.  It's a day that was very real for my generation.  Before I moved into the world of academia, I worked in professional theatre.  I refer to it as my "former life."  It was something I loved doing, but was not conducive to having a family...at least not in the capacity that I worked, as a Stage Manager.  Imagine my excitement at 23 to be told by my boss "We are doing a new show, one that has only ever been showcased...and for financial reasons we are sending you to NYC to rehearse it for 5 weeks."  OMG!!  I was SO excited.  Hello Big Apple! 

I arrived in NYC on Monday, made my way to my kick a$$ apartment the company was putting my assistant and me up in and started to settle in.  Tuesday we got up early, walked through Times Square to work and started setting up the rehearsal space.  AT the time, I was still a smoker and we were outside on a smoke break when a traffic cop told us terrorists had taken over the towers.  What?!?!  This can't be?  Then we heard it.  We staggered across the street and saw the playback on the jumbo-tron of the first plane...then we looked towards the south end of the island.  I will never forget.

I wanted to go home.  I wanted my (then boyfriend) husband to hold me.  I wanted my mom and dad.  I wanted it to be a bad dream.  We were immediately sent "home" and watched the news coverage all day.  What else could we do.  Strange city, no phone service for a few hours, we just sat and watched dumbfounded.  Later that evening, after talking to family and loved ones, we left the apartment to find dinner.  The feeling that was in NYC at that time, in that moment, is the feeling I wish would take hold of this country.  Never have I seen a city...a mass group of strangers pull together the way they did.  It wasn't natives and tourists and visitors...it was Americans.  It was people going out of their way to make others feel safe, feel okay, just feel.  I remember being numb until that point. 

Over the next few weeks we attended vigils, saw the devastation, and tried to heal with a city that was left with a permanent scar.  I was left with a permanent scar.  I look back and even as I write this I can feel the tears stinging my eyes.  I can taste the smoke and ash in the air, I can feel the loss...but I have hope that we can move forward.  To draw strength from this horror.  To give respect and honor to all those that were lost, all those that stepped up as true heroes, and continue the fight today.  To never forget.

Oh Universe...you're talking to ME?!?!

     Have you ever had one of those days where you think the universe really is noticing you and trying to get a point across.  I just mentioned the other day how cyclical I am in my motivation.  I find something and latch on 110% and then other things tend to fall to the wayside.  Well today, the universe gave me a push in the right direction.  I was EXHAUSTED last night after work and was actually hoping that the hubs was going to take the little one to soccer practice for the big one.  I thought, if he does that I can try and muster up the energy to work out.  By the time he got home, he looked even more tired than I felt...so guess who ended up at practice with a 2 year old in tow.  That's right, this girl.
     It worked out well for him though because he got a nap in, made dinner and then when I was ready to crash, he stayed up and HE worked out.  (I had mentioned the workout idea, and I'm glad at least 1 of us got to do it).  Anyways, this morning I was starting to feel that nudge of guilt again for having gone SO long without a workout.  I get it world, I should be working out and I;m not and I feel bad about it.  I will try and get it together.
     Then, I open up my google reader today and find a post from an old friend (old as in from childhood, not age...we are fabulously young still if you ask me) all about staying motivated.  It's even called Staying Motivated, it doesn't get more clear cut then that.  Thanks universe...the self induced guilt was good, but this pushes me a bit more.  I get it!
     Next, yes next...I get an email update from Fitness Magazine where the subject line is: Outsmart your Inner Slacker.  Really?!?!  As if the subject line wasn't enough of a giant billboard telling me I've been lazy, the contents are 12 steps to get going-many of which I already know!  Roger that universe!  I hear you, 10-4 good buddy! 
     Needless to say, I will be sure to make time tonight to get in some sort of workout, even if it's just a walk around the neighborhood with the hubs and kiddo, or a bike ride, or one of my actual workout DVD's...I will do it.  I'm actually a bit afraid of what might happen if I don't. :)

It's Getting Hot in Here

     I have said it a million times in my blog, my hubby does the cooking in our house.  He always has.  He is an excellent cook, and I am VERY lucky that he has always enjoyed cooking...until recently.  Our schedules have been so crazy lately and the kids have been so finicky about what they want to eat that he has not enjoyed cooking.  We have ordered a lot of meals recently as well as done "boxed" meals as he refers to them.  Looking forward to the fall semester and what it brings for his schedule and it looks as though one of the goals that I set for myself SO many months ago with the start of the new year will get forced into fruition.  I had hoped to try and cook 1 meal a week.  Some weeks I do more than that, but more often than not I don't really do any at all.  This is my time to step up to the plate.  To give him a much deserved and much needed break from the kitchen and try my and at this whole "family chef" idea.  I am excited, but also nervous.  My husband is SO good in the kitchen, I don't want to disappoint, but I think he will be happy if I embrace this new challenge.  All I can hope is to make it past the appetizer round, right?

So, if you have some great low cal recipes that do not require formal culinary training :) please forward them on.  My eRecipe collection needs filled.  Thanks!

And now...a little Friend Making Monday!  If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Inappropriate Questions

 1. Will you vote in the upcoming presidential election?  YES!!  It is our civic duty as well as a privilege to have our voices heard!

2. Do you say curse words? Does a bear sh*t in the woods?!?!  HA

3. Have you ever kissed a stranger? Nope.

4. If you could choose to meet only one fellow blogger in person right now who would you choose? I’m still so new to the blogging world that I’m not sure.  I love having people stop by my blog and enjoy doing the same…right now Kenlie, you are a MUST read every day!

5. What is the most inappropriate pick-up line that anyone has ever used on you?  Honestly, I can’t think of any.  I wasn’t the type of girl that got a lot of the lines…my friends seemed to, but not me so much.

6. Do you sing in the shower?  Sometimes.  If it’s in the AM when getting ready for work no, just because I don’t’ want to wake the whole house. J

7. How often do you get drunk?  Maybe once or twice a year.

8. Have you ever been fired from a job?  I was a contracted worker once and didn’t get the contract renewed…does that count?  It was after 3 years though and was the impetus I needed to expand my horizons.

9. Were you popular in high school?  There were only 500 kids in my high school…so everyone was popular. Hee hee

10. Who is your current celebrity crush? Don’t really have one…how sad is that?!?

Don't quit